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Today is a more personal post which I’ve been trying to write for a while but I keep putting it away because I feel like I sound like such a whiner – but lately I’ve been feeling really burnt out. I don’t know if I’ve committed to too many things or I’ve just gotten slower or what, but I’m just tired and stressed all the time. Does anyone else feel this way? After the kids go to bed I have a long list of things that I have to do but I never seem to get through them…during the day I’m always trying to fit in things during pockets of time. I know it’s getting bad because I’ve been getting frustrated when I feel like I’m wasting time…even ten minutes will cause my blood pressure to rise which I know is stupid – like what is ten minutes? Is it worth my health? Yet I can’t seem to get out of this cycle.
I read this article on millennial burnout, from Buzzfeed, a little while ago – but for some reason I couldn’t fully relate to the piece’s points on procrastinating on things that needed to get done (I liked the follow up with people’s personal experiences more), maybe it’s because with kids I can’t really blow off errands, there are other people depending on you. Most of the time everything that needs to get done does get done. But I’m always tired and then I feel badly, because I know that everyone’s tired and I don’t want to be the person that’s always going on about how exhaaauuuusted they are. That they are sooooo busy.
A few weeks earlier, I realized that I hadn’t gotten the kids passports yet for an upcoming trip and that I’d have to get it expedited and pay an extra fee – I was really upset with myself because it’s such a stupid mistake and my husband told me that he thought I often was too hard on myself. I had never been told that before (anyone with Asian parents is probably familiar with the sensation of your mom/dad feeling that you’re not hard enough on yourself). So I was very surprised to hear this! I thought…am I too harsh? I definitely beat myself up a lot for certain failures. But then I also know, that a lot of the things I’m proud of most in my life, I was only able to do, because I was hard on myself. Because I pushed and strived and at the time it felt good, and maybe it’d still be good now, but maybe it’s just because I have kids now too that it’s all feeling so tiring. I wonder if it’s worth it.
I know a lot of you are in the same position – you want to be good citizens, good workers, good mothers, good whatever it is. How do you manage the stress? How do you manage the burnout? Do you give up things? Do you do that terribly cliche thing…”change your perspective”? Please, I need your wisdom!
46 Comments
mct16
April 29, 2019 at 11:25 amVery curious to read the comments here as I struggle with a similar predicament. Both my husband and I work full time and we have 3 small children, the oldest at 6yrs old and the youngest at 1yr old. We have no help aside from their respective schools/daycares. I have basically resigned myself to not getting everything done and that little mistakes that can be taken care of by paying extra are actually wins (bc often there are mistakes that can’t be fixed by paying a fee to get things expedited!). I have also had to really choose my battles and that some things I just need to be OK with (such as a messy house) but that some things I am unwilling to compromise on. I think it’s important to really tailor down that priority list to the few things that truly truly matter and then using that as a guidepost of sorts for when you are feeling out of breath, energy, and time – or when you are wondering whether you are spending your energy and time on the right things. A mission statement for life so to speak.
Katherine
April 30, 2019 at 9:26 amThat’s a good point about the priority list – thank you!
Anonymous
April 29, 2019 at 11:57 amMy kids are a little bit older (9 and 7) and it gets better! Those early years are very tiring. As women, we tend to take on more of the mental load when it comes to many parts of family life. If possible, try to share that with your husband, nanny, your children when they are old enough, others you trust. And celebrate the little things – at least you got the passports and don’t have to worry about them for another 5 years! Enjoy your trip!
Katherine
April 30, 2019 at 9:31 amThank you!! This makes me feel better!
Michelle
April 30, 2019 at 12:04 pmI agree with this reader. It does get better. Now my girls don’t even need me to play or read to them anymore … I can even sleep in or take naps in the afternoon when they play on their own. Just this morning, I was just thinking how true this saying is: The days are long but the years are short. Hang in there. Don’t be too hard on yourself and like what this reader said, share the load with your husband and any others that you trust. You don’t have to do it all, just do what you can. Be present for your kids. At the end of the day, they just love you because for now, you are their world.
Michelle
April 30, 2019 at 12:08 pmAnd don’t forget to make time for yourself. For me, that is when the kids are in bed. I will workout, watch my K dramas and read before bedtime. I look forward to my me time every night. Call me out having no life but this is my idea of a good time rather than mom’s night out š
Anonymous
April 29, 2019 at 12:42 pmThis post really resonates with me. I have an eight year old son, and I am a single mom. I have been for the last six and a half years. I work in an industry that is generally unforgiving to women who are unable to juggle everything seamlessly (finance), and I have finally accepted the fact that my life wonāt be well organized, streamlined, or nicely accessorized ever again. That said, I love motherhood and adore my child…. but, itās really hard. And thatās just it. I think itās really hard for everyone, regardless of your particular situation. Iāve learned to manage the stress of the daily grind by cutting everything out that either doesnāt add emotional or practical value to my life.
Katherine
April 30, 2019 at 9:30 amThank you so much for sharing this – you are incredible and strong and so gracious. And from our emails I think you are quite nicely accessorized?? š
Anonymous
April 29, 2019 at 2:16 pmI am just slogging through hoping to come out the other end at some point when my kids are a bit older. Various doctors, upon learning of my work/life situation, have suggested counseling apps, where you speak to someone from your home at a convenient time, and anti-depressants. I havenāt tried either, but believe they are both good ideas.
I am currently in a nightly tantrum phase with my younger child to the point where my neighbors summoned the police to my place. Thankfully, the officer was experienced and also had kids, so he wished me āgood luckā and left after speaking to my kids and me. Based on that type of occurrence, why wouldnāt I feel persistently exhausted?
I donāt think we have to feel guilty about the realities of our lives. I absolutely understand getting frustrated over a wasted 10 mins. There is a lot that can be taken care of in 10 mins.!!
Katherine
April 30, 2019 at 9:31 amI’m sorry to hear that about the tantrums! I hope it passes. And thank you for sympathizing with the ten minutes – yes it can be so frustrating!
Lisa
April 29, 2019 at 2:45 pmHi, I am going through this as well, although my children are a bit older than yours. I have had to let things slide a bit in terms of the garden ( I have neighbours with amazing gardens) and cleaning the house. We outsource whatever we can. I would rather pay someone to mow the lawn every week so that my husband can be around to help with the kids. That said, a few years ago, it all became too much to manage and I cut back my work to part time. Don’t beat yourself up. I don’t know how parents manage these days. It’s just a rat race every day. Just remember, your health is most important, that includes mental health. I found talking to a psychologist one of the best things I ever did.
Katherine
April 30, 2019 at 9:38 amThank you so much.
honhon
April 29, 2019 at 4:23 pmI’ve been kinda feeling bad about myself lately and came across this line, using it on my screensaver for a week now: IF YOU GET TIRED LEARN TO REST, NOT TO QUIT. It makes me feel much better about myself and I feel allowed to pause and clear my mind.
Katherine
April 30, 2019 at 9:37 amThis is perfect! Thank you.
Abby
April 29, 2019 at 4:25 pmI think you’re doing great. I’m impressed that you go back to your to do list after your kiddos go to bed. My 3 year old takes a healthy nap every afternoon which means bedtime is 8:30-9 PM. I love having the additional time with him in the evening, as I work full time. However, putting him to bed generally puts me to bed, so I either pass out right after he goes to bed or am pretty much worthless for the rest of the evening. I can rally maybe 1-2 nights per week. My husband and I have agreed to lower our expectations for the next few years. Also, don’t beat yourself up over paying a fee. We’re incredibly fortunate to be in a decent financial spot and I’ve started to say that if you can fix a problem with some money, it’s not that big of a problem (this is the polar opposite of how I was raised). Clearly I don’t want to let that get out of hand, but I’m going to take some slack where I can get it knowing it’ll get easier as my kids get older. Good luck and thank you for having the courage to post this.
Katherine
April 30, 2019 at 9:35 amCompletely the polar opposite of how I was raised too! Good to see other people feel this way.
Anonymous
April 29, 2019 at 9:24 pmI felt like this for a long time. I thought it would get better as my kids got older, but for us it kept getting harder. There was homework to juggle, events at school, coverage for sick days and breaks…eventually it started making me ILL. We were living in Mountain View, working tons of hours, paying for private school, spending an hour each way driving to school (9 miles from our house but the 101 traffic is so bad!) in addition to our work commutes. I had an epiphany and realized that it was not what I wanted for my life. So after 2 years of this (end of 1st grade for our kids) we sold our house and moved 3 hours away. We now own a house with a lot of land that is 5 minutes away from our kids school, I don’t work, and my husband telecommutes to a job in the bay area. I miss my career, but I finally feel like I can breathe again. I can’t do it all. That was a really hard pill to swallow. I never wanted to be a SAHM, but there was no way our family was going to thrive with the path we were on. I know this kind of change isn’t for everyone…but I am sharing just in case anyone out there needs a reminder that there is more to life than career ladders and stock options. We have a community now. We have so much more support. We both have time to waste (gasp!) and it’s a beautiful thing.
PS: My husband and I have a word for your passport problem. We call it a “chaos tax”. Somehow, that’s our way of not feeling bad about it because it’s inevitable. We have had a lot of chaos in our life with how busy we are, and that’s the price to pay.
J.
April 30, 2019 at 8:05 amKathy, I feel like you were reading my mind when you posted yesterday, and then this post by Anonymous is exactly what I am struggling with right now. I am so tired and so stressed all the time. And I think becoming a SAHM for a bit would be a big help with my children, even though they are older. I wish I cold tell you that things get easier, and I feel like they do when kids are in elementary school. But the teenage years are brutal (so far). I always worried and thought about my children at every stage – but I feel like my teen takes up all my mental energy. I’ve always worked part time, but balancing it all with a husband who works all the time is really tough. I also think in certain cultures and families, we are taught to be hard on ourselves and focus on achievement and duty over happiness. I have always thought about what I should do and not what I want to do. I’m glad I’m not alone in this struggle.
Katherine
April 30, 2019 at 9:39 amWow we were former neighbors! I completely understand how stressful that might have been. What you did was wonderful. And love the idea of a chaos tax.
Anonymous
April 30, 2019 at 9:45 pmI love this response as it’s something I feel like I went through and to a degree am very much experiencing still. Currently living in the Bay Area, two full time working parents, working crazy amount of hours, two young kids, daycare, private school, one hour commute each way with two child drop offs, and wondering what for. Recently I hit my “epiphany” moment and decided to take a large step back in my career to try to achieve a balance. If this doesn’t work, we’ve considered moving to Elk Grove or Granite Bay to achieve exactly what you have done. Very nice to read about a success story. thank you!
Amy
April 30, 2019 at 7:01 amSorry I love your blog but I think you are whining. The only reason you had to get passports for your kids is because you have the financial choice to travel out of the country with them. That trip is not a basic need. I think a lot of people create extra work for themselves because of the high-end lifestyle they choose to live. A simpler lifestyle would make life easier.
Katherine
April 30, 2019 at 9:25 amThat’s ok! Thank you for being honest in your opinion –
AMY
April 30, 2019 at 11:39 pmI wanted to tell you I felt kinda shitty for being hard on you in my response. But thank you for being so gracious in your response. I just find that many of my friends complain about Chanel alterations gone wrong, cartier/vca Repairs taking longer than expected, Hermes shoes that need new soles, fights with platinum Amex about points, SOs taking too long, SOs not being offered, Neiman Marcus price adjustments and honestly, Iām just thinking….really?? You have created these problems because of your lifestyle. Iām also guilty of vca/Hermes/NM purchases but I realize itās a problem I created for myself and I donāt dare whine about them. I think Iāve come to a point where I realize….more money, more problems.
Anna
April 30, 2019 at 6:51 pmJust a perspective: it could be that she has close family abroad (like kids’ grandparents) and this is the first time the kids are going to visit their grandparents. It’s costly and time consuming but it’s family. And I think you could agree that it’s not a high-end lifestyle choice.
AMY
April 30, 2019 at 11:41 pmIām curious if this is true. Kat, is this a trip for pleasure or is it to visit family?
Katherine
May 1, 2019 at 7:07 amYou have to forgive me for not wishing to answer – I’d rather be thought of as whiny or ridiculous than having to justify my choices if that makes sense. No judgment back on you but I’m happy to make that tradeoff!
Anonymous
May 3, 2019 at 6:06 amKatherine, just wanted to say I admire how gracious you are in response to posts that are needlessly unpleasant or intrusive.
Katherine
May 3, 2019 at 11:12 amThank you for the kind words! Honestly I think almost everyone on the site comes from a good place (even the unpleasant comments) and also I’ve been blogging so long nothing bothers me really. It’s important to recognize privilege and even though I may not agree on an assessment it doesn’t mean it isn’t true in the eyes of someone else.
Abby
May 2, 2019 at 4:27 pmIām surprised and disappointed that one type of trip would be okay and another wouldnāt. Why does it matter? I wish we could cut the judgment and be more supportive of each otherās choices.
Amy C.
May 3, 2019 at 9:17 amAgreed!
Megan S.
April 30, 2019 at 9:06 amI don’t think you’re whining at all! I’m right there with you. My two kids are 2 and 5. I completely understand what you are talking about. Some things that have helped me are: 1. Nap when the youngest naps (I set my 5 year old up with his tablet or tv and lay down for 20 minutes) and 2. Telling my husband I need to pick something up at Target and letting him watch the kids for an hour so I can get something I need without kids. I don’t know if these are options for you, but it has been life changing for me!
Katherine
April 30, 2019 at 9:40 amI’ve def. done the Target thing! Once I ran into an acquaintance there, a fairly high level female exec at one of the big tech companies, and I said that I had to go because my husband credits were running out because I’d taken too long.. And she was like, “They’re his kids too you know.” I always remember that.
irina
April 30, 2019 at 6:48 pmi just quit 2 weeks ago because i cannot handle the level of tiredness and stress having a baby on the way and a 3.5 yo( mind you, healthy and fairly mellow). I’m very grateful that we have this option although our lifestyle will definitely change a lot but my health is more important to all of us, thankfully. Hang in there. I can never accomplish anything at home, only when my toddler is in school for half a day. I nap with him, and i go to bed right after i put him to bed, completely exhausted. I hope this will pass some day and i will be a more productive member of this family and the society in general:) but for now, this is life.
Katherine
May 1, 2019 at 7:17 amOh I’m so sorry you are so tired! Please take care of yourself – this period is very hard –
Anonymous
April 30, 2019 at 7:15 pmKate – I thought for a long time after reading your post. I had a health scare last week (ended up in ER, and hopefully just a scare, still waiting for test results) and now that I am out of hospital, the juggling immediately resumes. Job, kids, errands and the busyness of living. I don’t know if i see a way out of it. I know I need to take care of myself, but how? I don’t think quitting my job is a good option because then we couldn’t afford day care and I don’t know if I can handle my toddler! We could maybe throw more money in and hire more household help, but then we won’t have much to save and financial insecurity causes a lot of angst too!
I love one reader’s comment about moving somewhere further and finding a community etc., but hubby definitely won’t be on board. Who is saying with all the technology advances and automation, we should be having more free time?!
Katherine
May 1, 2019 at 7:18 amI’m really sorry you are going through this. It can feel like a rat race you cannot get off of. Completely understand the desire for help versus financial security. I don’t have an easy solution but you are in my thoughts and I hope everything is okay.
Nvie
April 30, 2019 at 8:18 pmIt definitely gets better when kids are older. Sacrifices. Iāve stopped watching TV, also means no more Korean drama, Kardashian nonsense as I have no time for them. I can only read a few pages of a book at night. I write down everything in my organiser, from what I buy to usernames and passwords. Prioritizing is important, forget about the least important matters, canāt do everything with so limited time. I always complain I need 30 hours a day…so yeah, all mothers are on the same boat, whether full time or part time working moms or full time housewives.
Katherine
May 1, 2019 at 7:18 amOMG that user name and password thing, lol. Yes. I think all mothers are in the same boat…and I know that I’m already very fortunate.
Anonymous
April 30, 2019 at 11:16 pmPersonally, if you feel burnt out, then a couple of things need to happen especially if paying extra for a late penalty or wasting 10 mins is a big deal. If you can fork out $xxxx amount for a pair of earrings or read a big book per day or online shop for an hour a day, these things shouldn’t matter. If not, then you may definitely explode whether is it in a shout out with the kids as one commenter wrote, a regrettable argument with your husband/partner, or you physically or mentally wearing down leading to an illness or depression. In the end, an explosion all affects the kids. They are undeniably the priority. They are dependent on you. Depression affects the kid’s health. An illness makes you unable to take care of the family.
All the comments above are viable options to relieve a burn out. Only you alone know the best one. Maybe a little case of online shopping, watching reality t.v., reading millenial books, or reaching out to friends can relax you. Perhaps a counselor is the best route as well. As an old saying goes, kids change everything. You can’t go back to days without kids. It’s all in your perspective how you want to raise your kids, how you want them to view you and how you want them to handle things seeing how you did things yourself. You are their first teacher. With culture and generation clashes, things do get tricky especially if your spouse has principles that differ from yours. Like you mentioned, Asians tend to emphasize in perfection in a way, while other cultures may emphasize with doing things at they come or more on creativity and embracing flaws.
Either way, just concerned for you. Sometimes your blog is screaming for help. Hope you get it! Or perhaps a little spa day is in order and have the husband take care of the kids for a day. Mother’s day is coming up!!
Katherine
May 1, 2019 at 7:20 amThank you for your thoughtful response and I was a little worried that it seems I am screaming for help, ha! I think most of the time I’m very calm and even cheerful but I always try to share the shitty parts of life on the blog too, so others may not feel alone. Kids are important but we are important too and that’s always a balance I’m working on.
Anonymous
May 2, 2019 at 1:46 pmI can relate. Last year, I forgot to request a document from the State Department that I needed to renew my drivers license and was without a license for month (which was a big deal since I usually drive every day with two small kids who are in daycare at my work). I have had to request this document every year for the past ten years due to my visa status, but after having two kids it totally slipped my mind…
One suggestion I have is to simplify as much as possible. I recently purged toys, clothes and kitchen items etc and it makes daily routines easier. Cleaning up takes less time and I am also less stressed if I donāt feel I have to manage a lot of stuff.
Diane W
May 3, 2019 at 7:10 amI am amazed that parents are able to get anything done besides feeding, clothing and sheltering their children. I recently babysat a 3 year old neighbor while her mother took her twin 7 year old brothers to a music class. Just getting down on the floor to play with dolls, then back up to color, and back down to play a card game I was incapable of understanding, repeat again and again….. almost did me in! (Iām 69). It was really fun but may have been the longest hour and a half of my life. I still recovering!
P
May 3, 2019 at 1:58 pmReading all the comments from women who are doing so much and who are shouldering so much of the emotional pressure for their families’ lifestyles — I wonder how many men feel the same way? Do men sit at their desks at work and think about all the kids’/couples/family/household obligations that are on their to-do lists after work is over?
I truly don’t know the answer to this question, though it sounds kind of facetious. If they don’t think about it, I wonder why not. I would be very surprised if the answer is because of biological differences.
My husband and I are childless by choice (and planning to remain that way) and one of the many reasons why is because I know our marriage couldn’t survive my resentment about having to shoulder any of this extra emotional labor. I deliberately don’t handle any of my in-law relationships and leave it up to him to manage his own family. I suspect they consequently perceive me as cold (or a terrible wife lol) but I’m lucky not to care. We have a fairly even distribution of household work and in fact he does most of the every day chores (dishes, grocery shopping, garbage, etc) despite working longer hours than I do. This was the only arrangement that made me feel I was being fairly treated because I deal with all of the one-off stuff over the household that requires more brainpower — stuff like replacing a broken A/C in the middle of the summer, figuring out storage, cleaning lady, etc. It took us years to come to this arrangement and it was a very deliberate allocation.
Not sure why many men don’t seem to feel the same pressure as many women do to keep households running in a certain way, but as long as that’s the case I can’t imagine the default scenario will lead to anything other than burnout for the partner who is shouldering most of this kind of work.
LT
May 4, 2019 at 7:09 amKat,
Like you I experienced burnout owning a design business while raising our only child. What changed my perspective was three miscarriages, and two diagnosis of cancer. It is my belief that that stress may have been a cause for my bc, and I feel blessed it was diagnosed early through mammography.
My focus shifted towards a greater balance of lifestyle and mental health and a less demanding work schedule. Even though it compromised family finances, I never regretted this decision to spend more time with my daughter than expanding my business.
Be good to yourself, and that will directly affect and create a healthier relationship with your loved ones along with how you lead in your work. I am now in my mid 60ās, proud of my DD being an accomplished young woman soon to be an MD and do not regret one moment of setting that time aside for her and for myself. I am also proud of having maintained my business to sustain us the best that I could. You have already accomplished so much with a published book and two lovely children. Enjoy the journey. It goes by so very quickly. Xox
CC
May 6, 2019 at 12:54 amThank you for being honest in this post and so gracious in your comments section Kat!
As a mom of 3 littles I also know this ‘burnout’ feeling. I am amazed that you wrote and published a book with small children, manage this blog, and have a career!
Yes, life get’s busy… try to enjoy the happy moments and learn from the challenging ones.
As with previous comments.. I try to outsource as much as I can, say ‘no’ to commitments and people that don’t make me happy, and make sure I have ‘me’ time to exercise!
We are all here to support each other š
Bee
May 11, 2019 at 2:36 pmI was thinking about parental burnout recently as the new NYT parenting site had a post: https://parenting.nytimes.com/work-money/parental-burnout
Great discussion in the comments here! Since becoming a parent I’d say having low expectations is key for happiness. I also believe both spouses (if parents) can’t have super demanding jobs. Of course it’s possible, but one has to ask themselves if it’s worth it for the time/energy they give up. Other than that I try:
– Outsource whatever you can – cleaning person, meal prep/food delivery, etc.
– Coffee & wine help a lot! š
– Prioritize between what “needs” to be done and what is a “nice to do”. If it HAS to be done (birth certificate for new baby must be submitted to insurance within 30 days of birth) I don’t let myself procrastinate – just do it right away and move on.
– Make self care (whatever it means to you – exercise, socializing, beauty/therapy appointments, etc.) a priority. Put it on calendar or set a reminder on your phone.
– My husband used to get really fixated on maximizing things like credit card points/plane ticket purchase timing/etc, but now is a big proponent of simplifying. Could we have saved some money by being more strategic on things like travel expenses? yes. Would it have been worth the time and stress? No.
– Be frank and honest with friends about these things. I have a core group of mom friends I text when I’m feeling overwhelmed that always manage to make me laugh and put things in perspective. A good reminder that what we see on Facebook/Instagram is the PR agent of that person, not their real life. Thank you for sharing your life and feelings with us – it’s very brave and obviously why so many of us loyal readers keep coming back every week.
And yes above all don’t be hard on yourself!!! Easier said than done I know…