Today’s question is from a lovely reader, D – I receive quite a lot of emails about the kid topic (apparently my excessive whining strikes a chord with a decent number) and while I can’t answer every email in as much detail as I’d like, I can do so in a post! This is one where I would really LOVE to hear your feedback in the comments – the best part of these posts are the discussions, really. D’s question, below:
I’ve read your family section countless times, and was wondering if you might advise or point me in the direction of books/resources/etc. I want kids more than I don’t (done 10 IVF cycles out of pocket to get 3 normal embryos), but as my friend who doesn’t want kids articulated: “Parents with young kids make themselves feel better by saying ‘it’s the best thing in the world’, those who have older kids repress all those bad memories of raising the kid, and those parents who are retired now and have kids out of the house can truly say what they feel and often times recommend not having kids.”
How do you minimize the downside and maximize the up? So far the best my husband and I can come up with is to move to a tax-free state like Nevada and raise them Joanna Gaines/Ree Drummond style. Have a bunch of kids and have them fend for themselves and each other.
For reference, I’m your Harvard-educated, tiger child who became a doctor and a city girl. I’ve scoured Amazon for parenting books, but I need a little “Silicon Valley out of the box meets vaccinations are sane” kind of advice. Any suggestions? I feel like I need big picture plan before I take these embryos off ice!
This is a really difficult question (I’m copping out already) and the best I can do is share my thoughts and ask others to share theirs. I think at a high level, you are saying – kids are tough, you know they are, and people you know without kids say it oftentimes isn’t worth it. Right? On the other hand, you know you kind-of-a-little-maybe want them, and you have gone through quite a bit to prepare in that direction.
I know your type (because I’m one of them) and I think amongst our sort there’s always that desire to be the best, most efficient at whatever we do, including parenting. To give up the least. Here are my thoughts.
Young kids are the best thing in the world: WHO is saying this? I have private moments where I love my children and think they are the super greatest, but I think most parents are not out singing the praises of little children? I certainly am not! Okay, now that I think about it, I have met some lunatics at the library like this, but I think those people have off days too. Where they are yelling at their kids and defrosting the chicken nuggets. Having young children is truly the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life (note that I do not say that it is the hardest or most important JOB, which I find slightly off putting, as if my trawling for diapers at Target is more crucial than the work of ROBERT MUELLER!). Kids are REALLY hard though and that’s why I actually kind of dislike the advice that people give women (usually it’s to the women) that they should just push their really reluctant partners into having kids, because they can’t help but fall in love with them once they come out. And yeah, I think most people end up loving their kids when they come out, but they are a lot of work and constitute a huge lifestyle change. This is where resentment can breed and grow.
On regrets: I haven’t met people who regret having kids, but I’m sure they exist. They’re probably just older than me plus honestly I’m barely out these days and never talk to anyone (see next point below). But you know, I have to say there’s that other side, too. The people who regretted not having kids. I think you have to try to figure out which one you are going to regret less.
You have less time. So I really try to tread away from the “holier than thou because I’m a parent deal” but one thing that I have to say is generally true -and I’m sorry you super efficient non child people with awesome careers can just yell at me in the comments – but generally, people with kids are busier and have less time. It’s just how it is! You can’t understand how much time kids take up until you have them. It is SO SO MUCH. There aren’t really shortcuts here. And to make up for it, other things in your life must go. Take your pick. Hobbies. Sleep. Work. Friends.
I receive questions about how I manage the blog and my writing and my kids and honestly the answer is – I do basically nothing else, and I work almost all the time. I say no to stuff constantly, a lot which I would have been thrilled to do before I had kids (ask me about all the trips I’ve had to give my regrets for!! AFRICA!!). I read this quote, via The Atlantic, from David Mitchell (who wrote Cloud Atlas and a bunch of other great books): You’ve only got time to be a halfway decent parent, plus one other thing.
This is really true.
You WILL compromise and people will think that what you are doing is sub optimal. This is a given. You’ll go back to work early and people will think you’re a bad mom. You’ll stay home and people will think you’re a bad worker. Motherhood, especially young motherhood, isn’t the sort of objective ladder that we’ve been on up to that point – where college A is better than college B, where pay package X is higher than pay package Y and you can pat yourself on the back. It’s way, way murkier and there is no one right answer (sorry for the cliche).
One other thing to note also is that people will judge you for your choice. Your best friend did something different or your mom or your sister or your mother in law and that way was not yours and sometimes they’ll make their thoughts known!! I guess my feedback to this is that everyone tries their best, nobody that I know ever wants to think that they were a subpar parent, or that they didn’t make the best decisions, and there’s never perfect information. Don’t let the judgment of others impact you and your decisions, especially with both the question about whether to have children, and in raising them – this is such a crucial piece of advice and once I learned to let this go, I felt so much more at peace with my life. I have so much less anxiety. And be NICE (or try to be) to others when they are criticizing your choices, their comments are more about them, than about you.
Finally – practical preparation advice: Don’t buy too much stuff, you can figure it out after you give birth. Amazon Prime, baby. Watch YouTube videos to learn how to swaddle. Here’s what you should agree on before with your partner: sleep training strategy (if any), co-sleeping desires (if any), and real, practical commitments to how much each of you is going to do (who is getting up in the middle of the night, and how often)? Also, money. How much do you want to spend, are you going to get a nanny, are you going to save for college, etc, etc etc. Kids are expensive.
Some practical books:
Moms On Call (this one has some cry it out, don’t @ me!!), Bringing Up Bebe, The Happiest Baby On The Block
Some articles:
Become A Woman Who Yells At Her Children by Lydia Kiesling, A Certain Kind of Mammal by Meaghan O’Connell (both of these are more “real life” articles which I think is what you are searching for. They are also great writers).
I’ll try to update if I think of more. That’s enough to get you started, I think.
Okay friends – any advice for D? What are your thoughts on “minimizing the downside?”
28 Comments
Janet
January 28, 2019 at 9:14 amI loved this post. It resonated so much with me and I LOVE the honesty.
I am the mother of a two year old. I think about these questions often. My honest thoughts …. I don’t love motherhood … yet. I can honestly tell you I am head over heels in love with my daughter (though I’ll say it took me a bit to feel it). I would do anything for her and I would put her life in front of mine in any situation. That being said, I don’t think I LOVE being a mother. It’s HARD. It’s long, it’s tiring, it’s draining. I sometimes cringe when I realize my skill set has gone from financial analysis to knowing how to make the perfect play doh sculpture. This feeling – that I don’t love motherhood – haunts me a lot. It makes me feel like a horrible person. But what keeps me going is that I truly believe that I won’t regret it and I think I will LOVE it one day.
I don’t want to wish the time away, but I do look forward to when she’s a true individual. That’s what I’m doing this for. For the days when I can have a conversation with her, laugh with her, go on truly interesting trips with her, and have a new best friend.
So do I love this phase now? No. Do I love what motherhood has done to me? No. But I’m fairly confident that one day I will know it was the best thing I ever did. (Or at least I hope so ha!).
I don’t think it’s for everyone though and that’s ok. I know plenty of couples who live life childless and it seems pretty darn amazing. I guess I just think about 10 years from now and feel a void thinking about it just being my husband and I. If that’s how you feel, I would consider going ahead and jumping in. If the thought of ten years with no kids seems fufuling and wonderful, then maybe wait a bit? And see if you feel at peace with the decision. And go on some awesome trips.
People make motherhood seem like a no brainer, the best thing in the world, the only amazing thing in life. But I disagree. It doesn’t have to be for everyone and it is probably not the right thing for everyone.
Go with your gut. We can be in it together if you choose to. 🙂
D
January 30, 2019 at 4:17 pmThanks for setting the record straight on play doh. There’s so much societal guilt that if you don’t love every last bit of it, it reflects negatively on you. Personally. Thank you for being so human and brave.
Helen
January 28, 2019 at 9:30 am“I think you have to try to figure out which one you are going to regret less.” Well said well said.
Bay area full time working mom of age 13 and 9. I still remember the toddler days…they were rough and exhausting. Whatever decision you make, make sure the other half is on board. It truly takes two to go through this journey.
KRISTIN
January 28, 2019 at 10:54 amI recently saw this quote by Michelle Obama and it really resonated with me as to what motherhood entails. (She was specifically talking about a time when her kids go away to college, but I think its more all-encompassing than that).
“I don’t need my children to make me happy. I had them so that they’d happy.”
To me, it embodies what motherhood can feel like a lot – you are making continual sacrifices so that your kids can be happy, and your priorities take a back seat. I miss many things about life before kids, but I can’t imagine a vacation or night out or fitness milestone that would provide me with the depth of experience and emotion I’ve felt as a mom.
I have friendless kids and they seem very happy and enriched with their life, so I know its not for everyone. Kids are hard, and sometimes it can seem beyond hard//relentless. Completely agree that you need a partner/other half/support team on board. The things from your “old life”‘ that you love don’t have to go away forever, but its a lot easier to take that trip/have solo time when you have others you know you can count on.
Good luck!
Anonymous
January 28, 2019 at 11:17 amI make no secret of the fact that I don’t enjoy motherhood. I was pretty sure motherhood, in particular being a mother to babies, wouldn’t suit me but I still wanted to have kids and build a family. I hope we will be close when they are adults. Also, I am slowly coming out of the really dark hard days as they are now 6 and 3. The 6 year old is really good company now. We struggled with each other for the first 4 years. I read several books on raising strong willed children which helped me at least understand why I was having a hard time (my own personality doesn’t align with my kids’ personalities). I will say that the strong opinions of others seemed to clear post-baby stage. Apparently, people feel the need to make comments on how to raise babies but not so much young children?
To help minimize the downside, I try to accept that this is a child-focused stage of my life. By having low expectations on things in general such as vacations, career, caregivers canceling, and understanding that my schedule gets impacted by my kids’ needs, I am not too disappointed when things don’t end up as planned. I accept that I am doing the best I can (I couldn’t believe when Mila Kunis’s character says this in Bad Moms as I say this to my kids all the time!) and try not to dwell on what went wrong each day. I just give them lots of hugs and enjoy this time as I know that the days of them following me from room to room is limited.
L
January 28, 2019 at 11:30 amWould love more of these motherhood posts. I just had a baby 3 months ago and I’m still in the midsts of trying to embody this new “mother” role while trying to balance work that I’ve basically spent my entire 20s working towards. It’s been hard and I don’t think being a mother comes naturally to me. At all. I’m a Bay Area dweller as well, current surgical resident with a physician husband. We’re short on time and sleep to begin with and now with a baby in the mix some days I feel like im barely making it out alive. I always thought I wanted 2 but the thought of maybe just stopping at 1 gives me a sense of calm but also sadness???? And yes I’m neurotic enough to already be worrying about number 2. I would say to D that if possible do take off as much maternity leave as possible ( I know it’s tough in medicine) but I’m sure it will make the transition a bit more palatable. I had 5 weeks and it just sucked haha.
Anonymous
January 28, 2019 at 12:09 pmThe fun/joy/reward of having kids are in the small things: when they smile at you, when their sparkling little characters start to show, when they have thrown tantrums in public to embarrass you but then come hug you and sweep their running nose on your dress to make it up with you… It is when you and your partner look at the child and then each other and can’t help but be amazed at what a beautiful thing you have created together… It’s really the little things/moments.
People used to have children so that they be taken care of when they are old. In some culture this still holds true but in U.S. it doesn’t. Why do we have children then? Honestly I didn’t have a very clear answer before I had children. I knew I wasn’t getting younger, that we were financially stable enough and my marriage was strong (more on that later).
The ups: 1. discovering your child is like discovering a period of your own past that you had no knowledge of previously. Understanding your little ones might really be the key to understand the roots of your own self. 2. My relationship with my mother has gone up to a whole different level. I understand her much better now. We commiserate and we support each other more. 3. Children really teach me to be present and I’m happier for that. 4. The bond/closeness/intimacy with my child is really beyond anything I could wish for.
The downs: 1. Little time for myself and as a consequence, health scares. I’ve since learned what to give to squeeze in more time to take care of myself. 2. Postpartum mood swing is real. You need a really understanding partner, one that can offer real help. 3. My marriage almost broke down… We’ve since came out of it but I was seriously considering it. 4. Financial hit.
For reference, I have a 21 month old and pondering on #2.
bisbee
January 28, 2019 at 4:35 pmI am WAY at the other end of this…my kids are 41 and 44. Anyone who says they never had regrets about having children is lying. However, I think many more might regret NOT having them. It is very hard, but gets much more interesting as they get older…notice I didn’t say easier! One great thing is grandchildren…a whole new world!
I have 2 grandchildren from my older son. My younger son and his wife don’t have any kids…by choice. That was a good decision for them.
No real answers…actually, you can’t really get answers from anyone other than you and your partner. You have to decide together what you want your family to be. If you can’t decide, then wait.
Michelle
January 28, 2019 at 5:03 pmInteresting topic. We waited a long time to have kids and we get critiqued for it by my in-laws, even after 18 years of marriage and my oldest is 9.5 years old. My husband is older than me but he is not ancient. My in-laws recently chided him for not having kids earlier else he can be thinking about retirement now. Why did we wait? Well, we were just not ready. Were we ready before we tried? I don’t think so. But we jointly made the decision to try. With 3 kids in tow and at one point, 3 under 3, do we have any regrets? No. Parenthood is hard but I think your partner makes a big difference to your experience. My husband is very hands on. He does EBM night feeds, daycare drop offs/pick-ups, go to every wellness check etc., It is because of his involvement that I don’t feel that motherhood sucks. I definitely miss pre kids days sometimes, especially when it comes to travel. We still travel internationally with the kids but a trip with kids is very different from a trip without. Yet I have no desire to leave them home and take off. I do want to see the world with them, through them and experience all these adventures together. I enjoy motherhood and I am a FTWM. Yes there are days when they are so trying and all I am doing is yelling and trying to light a fire under them to get them moving but I wouldn’t change a thing. Do I advocate motherhood for everyone? No. Will I say having the kids is the best thing ever? No. It is a personal choice and I respect that.
Sherry @ Save. Spend. Splurge.
January 28, 2019 at 5:06 pmIt is a goddamn crapshoot. You can try and be your best for everything but your kid is also playing a lottery of personality.
You could end up with an easy child or a difficult one and it is something you cannot control. I got lucky with mine being pretty easy to handle but some days.. man… he drives me off the edge (and I do snap).
The way I can phrase it best is: the highs are VERY HIGH but the lows are the lowest you will ever get.
I wanted kids so I’m biased but I know people who were against them and now are looking to have a second and cannot because they waited too long.
Go with your gut.
No return policies on these lovable monsters, but you won’t regret your decision either way.
D
January 30, 2019 at 3:54 pmI hear you. This is definitely not Nordstrom’s.
Jaime
January 28, 2019 at 5:19 pmI (my husband and I) am/are childless by choice (I know I am able to get pregnant). I have never had a maternal instinct at all and I believe part of that is due to the fact that I had a less than idyllic childhood. Even when I was a child, though, I never saw myself having children. What I will say, however, is that I am the best pet mother around and would do anything for my pets and other animals. We just rescued a 5 month old feral kitten last week who had hypothermia and frostbite, resulting in a full leg amputation and partial tail amputation. I know I am an excellent mother to him and our three other animals. And I have a great niece who lost her mother three years ago. We are all different which is what makes the world go round. NO REGRETS WHATSOEVER.
No regrets whatsoever.
D
January 28, 2019 at 7:18 pmDo you ever feel like what people with kids ask you, “Do you have kids?” They are really asking… “do you know yet?” Like this is some joke you don’t realize until it’s too late?
Having kids is really hard, even with help.
Lilian
January 28, 2019 at 8:55 pmI had my kiddos at 29 and 31 years – no complications conceiving. They’re 7 and 10.5 now (both boys) and I will be honest with you: the first 5 years were a BLUR. We Malcom X-ed everything. ‘By Any Means Necessary.’ Whatever kept us sane and got everyone enough sleep to be functional during the day, we did. My oldest could only nap when laying on someone, so that was our life for the first couple of years. He woke up thrice every night for a year or so, and he had lots of sensory issues. Yet we tried for a sibling, and it was the BEST decision ever (we really had always planned to have two kids anyway, so it wasn’t like a sacrifice or anything). Today? He’s the sweetest, most considerate child. He dotes on his brother. He reads to him before bedtime. He instructs him on how to shower properly. And we parental units are out of the equation, because they only need us when they need something. They’ve got each other! Sure, the challenges of parenting change as they get older. Now we’re dealing with learning, peer pressure, the appropriateness of Family Guy and The Simpsons…all things that we can discuss and reason out with them.
It gets better, it truly does. What I’d caution your reader with the questions is the notion that having a bunch of kids who’ll “feed each other” is an actual thing. The Duggars should be a signal loud and clear that that sort of thing doesn’t work! 🙂 Talk about it with your significant other – like REALLY talk about it, and then just do it. You’ll be glad you did!
*my closest girlfriends don’t have kiddos, and while their lives are fabulous, I don’t get the FOMO at all.
D
January 30, 2019 at 3:45 pmOh dear. Time to add the Duggars to my streaming queue. Maybe not? Malcolm X’ed. That’s awesome.
ji
January 29, 2019 at 8:44 amTo D, I feel like you’ve already answered your own question: I want kids more than I don’t. It’s impossible to understand the sometimes harsh, sometimes wonderful reality of raising a child. If at the end of the day you know deep down that you want a kid/kids, just do it. As someone who struggled with infertility, nothing is for sure until that baby is in your arms. For all you know none of those 3 embryos will even take, so I suggest you don’t waste time waffling back and forth if at the end of day you picture your family 10 years from now as a family larger than just 2. The rest will fall into place.
D
January 30, 2019 at 3:41 pmYou are absolutely right re: it’s not real until the baby is here. The best you can do is mitigate obvious risk (as my finance friends would say). I figure the kiddos will find someway to thwart us- in fact I hope they do!- but at least we want to give us the best running start that can be managed.
Bee
January 29, 2019 at 9:33 amI have many thoughts!! As I’m sure many of your readers do. Great post/topic.
How to maximize upside and minimize downside? Have low expectations. Seriously. That it what I tell my friends. Don’t expect sleep, cuddles, first word being mama, whatever – then whatever nice things happen you’ll be happy and not disappointed.
I read something months ago that perfectly captured what it means to be to be a parent (to me). I wish I could find it again – I think it was either a comment in the NYT or DCUM (DC Urban Mom forum. East Coat type A moms). Someone trying to decide whether to get pregnant again asked how they knew whether 3 kids would make them happier or less happy than 2 kids.
The theory put forth was that an average person has a happiness scale of 1-10. Someone you love dies/divorce/health crisis: 0 happiness. You fall in love/get dream job/win lottery: 10 happiness. But as a parent your “happiness scale” swings more wildly per child. So if you have one child your happiness scale is -10 to +20. If you have two kids your happiness scale is -20 to + 30. And so on. I only have one child so far, but this perfectly captured how I feel as a mom of a toddler. Son is sick and up all night throwing up on you? – 5 happiness. Son says “love you mama” for the first time? +20 happiness. I can easily see how each additional kid makes the highs of your life higher, and the lows of the life lower. Whoever the author was concluded that if debating having a kid (or more kids), one should ask themselves whether they are willing to accept the lower lows for the (occasional) higher highs.
I’ll try to find the original post/discussion on this in case anyone is interested!
D
January 30, 2019 at 3:27 pmLove your thoughts. Numbers, now that I can understand. Haha. Happy to hear more. And do post that thread if you can find it.
M
January 29, 2019 at 11:01 pmI think if there is any hesitation, you shouldn’t have children. It’s one of the few decisions in life you can’t undo. That said, my kids do bring me true joy even though they drive me crazy sometimes and it hard and exhausting a lot of the time. My second child is special needs and he’s readjusted my whole perspective on life and helped me to redefine a successful and happy life. It’s still hard and wasn’t what I planned but he’s made me a better person. However, I think you can have a full and meaningful without kids of your own.
Sherry
January 30, 2019 at 2:16 amIt’s about love and it’s about creating your own nuclear family.
I have one child who is becoming a teenager today. Every day I’m more in love with my son. I love seeing who he is becoming. I have tickets for Andrea Bocellin for just the two of us ,and week after next. I’ve cashed an incredible number of points on cards to justify the black market price of these tickets. . Yet, my son is the person I want to hear the voice of the angels with. ( Athletic husband is in ski school, solo in Colorado, we didn’t have enough days off to accompany him). He listens to George Gershwin while taking a shower, then switches to a modern hip hop genre the next song. He’s researched and pleaded and learned about a hampster for months, and we are finally (ugh, a hampster, really?!) giving in. He loves our dog so much it hearts my heart knowing one day he will grieve for this dog. He tells my old dad who’s 84 he loves him everytime we say goodbye and it warms my heart to see the smile on my dad’s face. Having them turn into adults slowly, is the biggest pleasure. Had to describe it. I have enjoyed every difficult moment and would not change a thing. My life is far from perfect. I’ve had depression twice (ok, I’m not in the total minority), marital issues ok and off. But through it all, the love has never wavered. Both for my son and my husband (ok, at times for my husband, yes, but it’s grown baby come back, lol).
Yes, the younger years were hard, physically and emotionally. Yet, every night after the long day was over, is look at that doesn’t face and the know you’d jump into a fire for your child.
I own a business that’s demanding and this is my 25th year in business. I do wish I’d had another child in hindsight and my business was and is so demanding I didn’t think I could manage another child. I wish we’d gone ahead and had a second child. My training is in engineering, yet I think it’s best to not get too analytical with this decision and take time to reflect on your emotions.
As your decision is difficult, my thoughts are listen to your heart and stick with that. Close your eyes and see where and what you want to be doing in 25 years? Do you wish to have a family surrounded by a grown child/children? A life where you’ll have more than just you and you husband neat and tidy? Or the busier , chaotic life but with more people in it? Little kids grow up, and the difficult years and short (and sweet when you look back). But I urge you to look ahead in your life. To 25 years. Or 30. When are you then and what are you doing!
It’s about LOVE and it’s about family.
D
January 30, 2019 at 6:06 amFirst off, thank you to all for your thoughtful and v honest replies. I’ve read, and re-read them all.
Amen to the beauty of individual growth. The thing I miss most about being an academic teaching attending was watching the residents evolve from clueless interns, to cocky 2nd years, and finally humble seniors about to assume the full mantle of patient care. I loved watching the light bulbs go off and being taught something they had picked up elsewhere. Med school, however, was a torturesome exercise in “deferred happiness.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but your comments seem to draw parallels to early child care. At least for schools, they are trading classroom for more hospital time, providing more financial aid, and using more tech in didatics. I’m hearing v helpful themes of lowering expectations and teamwork with your partner. My husband has been incredibly supportive, despite the battering lifestyle changes from repeated IVFs. I would love to hear if/how can we, future and current parents, evolve parenting? Homeschool/unschool? Hire nannies for the chores so you can maximize the QT you have with the kids? Give kids more self-directed/mentored time vs. structured activities? Our parents didn’t have the resources we have now – like this blog community thanks to Katherine! – so how can we use it to our advantage?
PS. This book offered some unconventional perspectives. I don’t think I’m progressive enough to trade my yuppie lifestyle for a cabin, but there are truths to his philosophy.
https://www.amazon.com/Home-Grown-Adventures-Unschooling-Reconnecting-ebook/dp/B00NFWEPJM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1548856690&sr=8-1&keywords=home+grown
Jane
January 30, 2019 at 9:46 amThese responses are amazing, and I wish I had been able to read them when I first became a parent. I think a lot of the readers here (including myself) are people who are used to being able to evaluate situations and make reasoned choices. Unfortunately, that’s the opposite of parenting! A lot of it is luck and chance, combined with every other emotion under the sun. It’s the most wonderful and hardest thing I have ever done. When I became a parent, my mother in law kept saying “aren’t you in love with your baby” over and over and over. But, I wasn’t super maternal from minute one. It took time for me to develop and grow as a mom, and I’m still growing and trying. For me, becoming a parent is the answer to the question — life’s question and my life’s purpose. But understanding that took time.
Every child is different, and the best goal you can have is to be kind to yourself, your children, your partner, and to be flexible. Your child’s needs change all the time, so one style of parenting doesn’t work forever.
I had a big career before I had children, and now I don’t. And that was an incredibly hard journey for me over the course of many years. But, I’m happy where I am now.
The answers aren’t clear cut, but someone above wrote it best — it’s all about love.
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life
February 2, 2019 at 4:47 pmI think Monroe from Grimm may have said it best: Tell you two things I know about kids. One, they are the future and should be cherished. Two, they’re lying little bastards!
This checks out with my experience with childrearing so far: You can exist in two extremes. You love them so much and you also want to give them away.
Overall, there’s more joy than I expected. But I also expected it to be a @*#$& ton of work, so the unexpected joy creates balance.
I think there are DEFINITELY people who regret having kids and you see it in their parenting and behaviors, and I think that people are 1000x wrong when they say that biology trumps all and you will always love your kids. Heck, people aren’t even honest about the fact that it can take a long time (weeks and months even) to bond with your newborn, as a mom. It’s all possible.
When we decided to try, we addressed my greatest fears about parenting head on: that I would have to carry a dispropotionate amount of the load, and that my child would turn into a sociopathic monster.
My husband promised that he was all in – and has been 100%. He does at least 50% of the work all the time, always has, without fail. And if our kid turns into a sociopath (a family problem), we are both committed to not enabling them and cutting them off before they destroy us the way my father / sibling destroyed my nuclear family.
This might be an oddly specific set of problems but apparently I have blog readers with similar concerns, so what the heck, I’ll share 🙂
Someone said that if you have any doubts, you shouldn’t do it. I think that’s far too broad a statement. There are a lot of things we may harbor doubts about, I certainly do, but I rarely regret any decision I CHOSE to commit to in spite of my doubts and that’s after adopting quite a few dogs and having a kid.
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life
February 2, 2019 at 4:52 pmAlso this from Cup of Jo (https://cupofjo.com/2013/06/5-beautiful-motherhood-tips/) made me laugh because this kind of thing gets you through the hard days: “And a very useful phrase to repeat when you find yourself turning to your spouse blamefully: Your spouse is not the enemy. The baby is the enemy.” “
E
February 4, 2019 at 12:49 pmI love, love, love, love, love my 3 children. And I like them too! They are 4, 6, and 8. Yes. There were dark times when they were younger. With my first one, after many nights of sleep deprivation, I truly wondered how the human species continued to exist. And times when I did parenting all wrong. Still do. There are times when my mantra is this too shall pass. But I don’t regret having 3. I think each family knows their magic number, when they feel they’ve reached their limit. I wanted a third even as I was holding my second infant. But if my husband and I were to find out I were pregnant again, we would cry, cry, cry… and these would not be tear of joy! So we know we are done. There definitely are “sacrifices” to make – time, finances, personal, etc. But isn’t that true for all relationships when we love someone? Raising children is give and take. It’s a dance between you and your children. It’s about being gracious to your children as well as being gracious to yourself as parents. My philosophy about life is that we are not here to just live happy lives. We are here to live meaningful lives – whether our legacy is through personal achievements and accomplishments or raising & nurturing quality human beings.
Anonymous
February 5, 2019 at 4:33 pmMy only daughter turned 2y last week. I can say unequivocally that we have not had an ounce of regret – not when she was an infant who woke up every night at 4am, not when we shell out big $$$ on childcare every month, and not when we have to ditch all of our grand vacation plans. But the only reason why I could confidently say I had no regrets is because she is the star child that dreams are made of. We constantly receive compliments from other parents on how she is so cute, so polite, so smart, so outgoing, etc. But I am not writing this comment to show her off. Instead, I want to say that we are deathly afraid to have another baby because we might not be so lucky the second time around. We have friends whose children are allergic to everything, or are prone to tantrums, or have other physical challenges, etc. Your child’s disposition will probably have a huge impact on your overall “enjoyment” as a parent. My husband and I both admit that we would feel very differently about parenthood if we hadn’t gotten lucky with a happy healthy child. It is truly a luck of the draw when it comes to how your child may turn out. We were willing to roll the dice on conceiving our first child. But we’re quitting while we’re ahead.
Lesley
February 9, 2019 at 6:31 amI resonate with you a lot on your thoughts above, but clearly am not able to eloquently put in down in writing. But I agree with you..but maybe b/c our kids are both around the same age..? Anywho, you summed up my thoughts almost exactly (: