It’s the last day of 2018 and so I thought I would share some thoughts. Cutting down to the raw right away – for me this year was the first I ever suffered a really deep, debilitating depression. My father passed away in 2014, and I had a baby in 2015 and 2017, but for some reason 2018 was really the year where I just felt at times like everything was hopeless, that I couldn’t get out of bed (though of course I had to – I had two little children!). It’s ironic that it occurred during the best year career wise of my life, but it is what it is. I mention this because I never thought I would be the sort of person to have depression, certainly I think it isn’t something widely accepted in Asian culture (but yet as you age you learn that so many of the elder Asians you know are crazy!). So I wanted to share my experience, as just another data point for all of you out there.
So onto career – as most of you who read the blog know, I published my first book! That was a wonderful experience…it’s funny, a lot of people warn first time writers that they have to get used to criticism of their work, and that sometimes it can be really vicious, but for me, having had a blog for nearly eight years means that I already have grown a thick skin to it all. I get some angry emails but honestly they are way more tame than the occasional angry blog emails I would receive. And I get to be in airport bookstores (writers love being in airport bookstores)! I also did make the quite frightening decision this year, to step away from some opportunities in tech in order to concentrate on my second book. There are real lifestyle tradeoffs to this – there’s a part of me that is so conservative, and that will always yearn for a nice cozy job that has a regular salary and an office with coworkers and an expense account and all that other stuff. Like, why the hell did I go to business school at all? But there’s another part that finds it so gratifying to get to “activate” this writing side…to put it in crass terms, I’ll give up some Hermes bags in order to achieve personal fulfillment (though don’t give me wrong, a black box Birkin would still be quite fulfilling as well). There was a time when I thought I could try to do it all – have a “regular” job, write books, and be around for my kids…in the end I had to understand that I could only pick two at best.
And now onto the rest! Like shopping. This year was so blah for me for shopping (I’ll have a whole post on 2019 wardrobe resolutions). I did buy some fun items, did some wardrobe purging (post on that coming up too). My kids are growing bigger and it’s getting easier and sometimes I even have the insane thought as I’m crying, packing away my daughter’s tiny clothes into storage that I should have a third. That I only have one life and one day I’ll wish I had a third so I should just do it. But the idea is certifiably insane and I just know my husband is getting bad vibes as I type this.
So there it is, some of my thoughts on my 2018. I hope you all have a wonderful New Year’s Eve (I’ll be celebrating East Coast time). And I wish you all the best for 2019! See you next year!
39 Comments
Sonya
December 31, 2018 at 9:36 amThank you for sharing as you do. My heart is with you. I wish you a fruitful 2019.
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:21 pmThank you, you too Sonya!
Alissa
December 31, 2018 at 9:51 amSo glad you feel comfortable to share, really appreciate the honesty. Depression is not something that is so easily understood and I am glad you found the courage to be open, I can imagine that is not an easy thing to do especially in the cultural context. I think the universe always seeks to provide some semblance of balance, the career growth in the midst of the deep depression. Hoping 2019 can bring clarity even with the occasional fog.
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:22 pmThank you very much and wishing you a wonderful 2019!
C.Michol
December 31, 2018 at 9:52 amYou are brave to share this and you are definitely not alone. Also, I hear great things from readers about your book! You have a lot to be proud of….wishing you and your family a happy new year!
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:22 pmThank you! Have a wonderful 2019!
Xin
December 31, 2018 at 10:19 amHappy new year to you and your family! I really appreciate everything you share on your blog, and I thought your book was awesome, it made some really sharp and insightful points about the community I also grew up in.
And ack at the mean blog emails over the years. I keep bracing myself for getting the occasional mean comment or email, but I’m lucky enough that it hasn’t happened yet. I do see it all over other social media platforms, people don’t seem to have much of a problem saying nasty or ill-informed things on their own Instagram or Twitter accounts, so I can only imagine what people get up to over email. (It’s a good thing there’s a silver lining in terms of preparation to get reviews of your book. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to get feedback about a book, I’m already nervous enough about feedback for the much smaller pieces of writing I do at work.)
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:22 pmThank you! And honestly the older you get the less you care (the older you get the less crazy emails too I think)
Mod
December 31, 2018 at 10:43 amA toast to 2018- the good the bad the ugly all of it! So many things came to mind as I read this post… I’m thankful for you opening up and sharing your life with us. I get more from your posts than I can put into words. I wish you an eventful, exciting and productive 2019!
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:23 pmThank you and I’m wishing for the same for you!
Me
December 31, 2018 at 10:43 amJust wanted to tell you that your blog is the last one standing for me— I feel like you’re the last human writing one!! Specifically look forward to lunchtime mon and fri— gets me through (occasionally bad like you describe) days as a mom. Thank you for being you.
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:23 pmThank you and wishing for a great 2019 for you mama!
Leslie
December 31, 2018 at 11:04 amKathy: I am sorry to hear about your depression. I had a rough year, too.
It all came to a head in October in the weeks leading up to my 43rd birthday. The depression that had been dogging me since the late summer became dark. As in, I scrubbed the bathtub one night because I looked at it and thought, it is grungy, and if I need to slash my wrists this weekend, I want a clean bathtub in which to do it. Which a friend of mine at work said, that is so you, cleanliness even at death’s door. Two days after my birthday, my significant other of 19 months dumped me for what he said “was too much drama.” It burned, having him reduce my existential crisis/medically diagnosed depression as “drama.” Not the man for me, right? But ouch.
I am on Lexapro now and feeling better, albeit not great. I have the secure desk job and benefits, and leaving it would cause amazing anxiety…even though I do not like it. Security before happiness. I have so much respect for women who are guiding little humans on top of working. I can relate to not wanting to get out of bed. I have no kids, only employees.
I saw your book multiple times at Atlanta Hartsfield. And I think “I kinda sort know her…really kinda, but still.” I am sorry it was hard, but I hope that your solid successes (book + two little humans) offer some comfort.
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:24 pmLeslie, I’m so sorry to hear this and thank you for sharing. You do know me and I know you, every interaction like this counts, where we share with each other. I’m hoping for a wonderful 2019 for you.
Patricia
December 31, 2018 at 12:08 pmHi Katharine, I got your book for Christmas, so I’m looking forward to starting it soon!
I’m sorry to hear about your bout of depression – it does sneak up on you sometimes, doesn’t it? I also felt the aftershock of my mother’s death about 5 years after the fact; we had been living abroad, very busy, then moved back to Canada, our kids were now in their late teens and I had a lot of time to think.
All the best for 2019!
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:24 pmThank you so much! I hope you enjoy it. I’m wishing you a lovely 2019.
Brook
December 31, 2018 at 2:43 pmKathrine, sending you a hug for all you do. I love this blog and have for years felt it is a place to come hang out with like minded people. So thank you for making it such a haven to discuss the things that seem to be taboo elsewhere (depression, finance, kids and a love of expensive bags). Cheers to a wonderful 2019.
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:24 pmThank you so much Brook! I love that this is a little haven, that’s how I feel too.
Phil
December 31, 2018 at 7:34 pmAloha Kat:
Thank you for sharing this. I view you as some as “when I grow up, I want to be just like her” haha.
Regards,
Phil
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:25 pmPhil you are going to be way cooler than me, you already are!
Ammu
January 1, 2019 at 5:55 amSending you a big hug. I just recommended your book to a friend in India — and I hope it finds many many readers in the weeks and months to come. 2018 was a very hard year for me too — and it’s taught me a lot about myself and about what matters in life, whether in terms of personal life or professional ambitions. I am so inspired by your bravery in going for what you love — whether it comes to bringing up your family or writing books. It’s amazing 🙂
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:25 pmBig hugs right back to you! Thank you for all of your support.
Jaime Stephens
January 1, 2019 at 1:28 pmYour kids are adorable! I know Whitney, if she were here, would absolutely agree! Happy new year.
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:25 pmThank you so much and a great big hug to Whitney, I think of her. Wishing your family a wonderful 2019!
cc
January 1, 2019 at 1:37 pmHi Kat,
I too appreciate you, your blog, and your writing! Thank you for being so brave to mention your depression. I am also a mom… I have 3 little ones and started a big career trajectory with many years of post-graduate work and have had to make the decision to make my family/kids top priority. Good luck with your second book! I am amazed you had the time/energy to write the first!
About your thoughts on having a third… I also had a boy, then girl just 2 years apart. It was always my wish to have a big family (I grew-up as an only child). My third came 2 years after his big sister… and while sometimes I wonder..’what have I done!?!’, I wouldn’t trade him for anything. Although, with still only having one daughter… I also feel sad when I pack away my daughter’s clothes. Some of it I will save for any future grandchildren!!!
Eager to read about the future blog posts you mentioned too!!
All the best for you in 2019!
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:26 pmAnyone with three is my hero! You have my dream setup, two boys and a girl. Wishing you a wonderful 2019 as well!
Linda
January 1, 2019 at 5:28 pmKat,
Thank you for being open and vulnerable and being brave enough to talk about depression. Your writing is a pleasure to read. I get a thrill whenever I see your book “in the wild”. Best wishes for a healthy and prosperous New Year!
Katherine
January 1, 2019 at 7:26 pmThank you so much Linda! I wish you an excellent and fruitful 2019!
Sammie Nguyen
January 5, 2019 at 8:03 amHi Kat!
Happy new year. Thank you for always being so human. I appreciate that you’re always willing to share your life with us (the ups and downs).
I hear you on “why did I go to business school” because I had similar thoughts (I went to law school) when I chose my family and less demanding job so I could be more present for my two kids. It was the right decision for me (even if at the time I felt that it was so unfair that I had to make such a decision!).
I wish you all of the luck and happiness you deserve! And like a reader above mentioned – your blog is the only one I look forward too.
Take care.
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life
January 1, 2019 at 9:09 pmI find it so ironic that this seems to happen repeatedly where we have the worst year(s) on a personal level, sure we’re letting our professional lives crash and burn at least a little but often times we discover (at a normal job anyway) that even in our darkest personal hours we had amazing professional performance. I’ve had several friends report that experience. I don’t know what to make of that but depression is a weird beast and skews an awful lot.
I agree it continues to unfairly carry a stigma in Asian communities which is such a huge barrier to getting much needed help. I hope you’ve been able to find ways to treat it effectively for you, I remember what a struggle it was to get mine under control the first time. It can be devastating.
Last and best, your kids and book, so cute, and so congrats!! The book mysteriously showed up at the worst possible time for me with regard to work so I took it on vacation with me except this year was a family holiday that wasn’t so I still haven’t been able to dig in yet but I can’t wait to!
Vivian
January 2, 2019 at 9:59 pmKat,
For some reasons I just hear you! I’m your loyal reader for 5+ years and I know you always try to give your very best in everything you do. I bet 2018 was a huge change in your career and things were just a lot different to give you anxiety sometimes. I just wanna let you know you have been such an inspiration to me no matter career wise or from a style advice perspective. I also have so many emotional roller coasters throughout 2018 and I always question what and why I’m doing this for my life. Thank you for being open to discuss this topic as I’m that person who tend to keep everything to myself also. I know how hard that can be to admit that I’m not alright.
I’m so happy that you are working on book #2, wish you have a fruitful 2019 and it’s wonderful to see your beautiful family keeps growing!
Diane W
January 2, 2019 at 10:36 pmKat,
I love your blog! I’m amazed at how you juggle so much: children, husband, writing and all the other things you do. I’ve always been amazed at how many great links to interesting articles you share with us. I’m looking forward to your next book, even though reading (cognitively) has become a bit of a challenge for me this past year. I must say that the photos of your children are my very favorite part of this blog.
J
January 3, 2019 at 9:30 amKat, thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your world with me and with all your readers. I think that many of us as women and mothers can feel such roller coasters of emotions including depression and anxiety. I have been struggling myself and I appreciate your honesty and openness so much. My wish for everyone in 2019 is more kindness — to others but also to ourselves. xxoo
Irina
January 3, 2019 at 10:38 amDear Kat! Happy new year! You are amazing , as we all know:) Keep being a kind, beautiful mama and a very accomplished person otherwise:) We love you! Have a good year!
Jaimie
January 3, 2019 at 1:44 pmCompletely misting up just reading this. My dad passed in 2014 too and this has been the hardest year so far by a wide margin. Still no idea why. This is so selfish but it made me feel slightly better knowing someone as amazing and accomplished as you struggles too, so thank you. I’m mostly a lurker but just wanted to say thanks and congratulations and send you all my best wishes for health, happiness, and continued success to you and your family in 2019 and beyond. Hope this is the best year yet. xx
Michelle
January 4, 2019 at 8:05 amThanks for sharing and opening up about your personal challenges.
Hope that 2019 will be a better year.
Take care!
A
January 7, 2019 at 9:57 pmHi Kathy,
Thanks for sharing. I totally understand what you mean by “depression” being a taboo subject in Asian culture… I know what that feels. There are times I just feel hopeless. This feeling that I cannot do anything. Yet I cannot not do anything. I have a baby who solely depends on me! It comes and goes but those dark moments are rough. Know that you’re not alone. My best wishes for you and your family in the new year.
Rachel aka "Bee"
January 8, 2019 at 1:45 pmSending a big hug Kat! Another longtime reader and I always admire and appreciate your honesty. Know you have all of us loyal fans rooting for you. Be kind to yourself and your family.
PS – I think in the future if you get nasty emails you should have your mother respond to them! She seems to know just how to put people in their place 😉
Hugs, Rachel (Bee)
Ava
January 9, 2019 at 3:36 pmDearest, Dearest Katherine,
A very long overdue Happy New Years and I hope you had a peaceful holiday season. 🙂
I can’t begin to imagine how you held it all together this past year with everything you were going through – and be a beacon for all of us, an escape for all of us to come together as our lives unravelled or re-ravelled — thank you for that. (insert every heart emoji here; yes I know my use of emojis and emoticons is like a pre-teen ;-P)
Your book was amazing.
Sorry I have been so MIA – will send you an email.
x
Ava