Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the topic of help. Once you have kids, you learn that people ask this question all the time. First people ask how many kids you have, what ages they are. Then, it gets followed up by that all important question – do you have help?
image via AP
Before I had children, I didn’t really understand. What was the big deal? If you didn’t have help, you could just stick the kid in daycare right? Or get a nanny? While theoretically I understood that there were major tradeoffs, that sometimes the cost of childcare didn’t make up for lost income, that there were things like “spring break” and “ski week” and “fevers” that meant you still had to find backup childcare even if you did go back to work, I had never experienced it. And the people who stayed at home – well, you should be grateful to have that opportunity, yeah?
And then I stayed at home by myself with my baby, and thought I might lose my mind.
It was only after I got pregnant again (which ultimately ended in miscarriage), that I really committed to get some paid help for a few hours a day. I felt really guilty about the cost. I mean, you’re going from $0 to… something. But in the end I came to terms with the fact that it was really me standing in my own way. And in the meantime, my relationship with my husband was more stressed. I wasn’t getting any work done. And my health was suffering.
So often, we’re presented an image that mothers should manage kids without help (yes I meant to say mothers – because there’s way less pressure on fathers, which is a whole other topic I can go on about). Some people have a lot of help, and it comes to them easily. They have their parents and sisters and brothers and nannies and whoever else. Some people have no help at all. These people are amazing (not that the rest of us aren’t, but you know). And a lot of us are somewhere in between.
Even today, I’m still a little embarrassed to say that I spend money for a nanny while I’m at home as well. Yeah, I work (very) part time…but still. There’s just so much judgment to it. People have all kinds of opinions. Which is kind of crazy, isn’t it? I feel way more judged for my nanny than any of my jewelry/bag shopping, which I’d argue is much more frivolous. I always have to caveat: “I know I’m very, very privileged. I know I have no reason to complain.” And then I complain away.
So today, in case anyone else is going through a similar struggle (or about to) – I thought I would be transparent about how much help I have, and how much I (still) struggle.
My help: I have a grandmother (my mom) who visits once a week for a few hours, and a full time nanny who comes Monday – Friday from 9 to 5. Since neither of my children are in school (yet…my son will start when he’s three, and this is only because the doctor asked us to wait until after flu season as we have a new baby), they’re both at home, so I’m with one of them most of the day, while the nanny is with the other. We both look forward to nap time.
Most of our weekends have been alone, without help. Especially right when #2 was born, come Saturday morning, my husband and I would wake up and give each other this look that we were settling in for the long haul. Things are JUST starting to get better as Baby #2 can sit up longer, eat solids, enjoy the outdoors, but for a long time…we were feeling crazy. Nap times overlapped for like…fifteen minutes. Mealtimes were insane, with one of us holding a yelling baby while the other attempted to get food into the mouth of a toddler while shoving grub into our own gullets at an incredible rate. There were times at the end of the day when I didn’t even feel human.
“What do you do all day?” someone recently asked me. “You’ve got a nanny, right? So you just sleep and stuff?”
This was a friend…so I wasn’t angry…just jealous of their awesome child-free existence, ha! I understand why they would have that perspective because I used to be there. But now…it’s a whole new world.
Do you have help?
44 Comments
Hui
March 19, 2018 at 8:20 amHi Katherine,
I think it is perfectly justified if you have a nanny to help you and you also being at home. Alone with two little ones full time at home is not easy. If you have the possibility to hire a help you should definitely do so.
Also, you do not want to have the nanny overworked. They are like us,.They can also get tired and impatient. So sharing the childcare job with a nanny is a perfect solution – you get the work shared and you can supervise what the nanny is doing with the other child. I don’t want to scare you but look at what happened in New York (have you read the book Chançon Douce by Leila Slimani)? Never expect a single person (who is not their parents) to handle two young kids all day long for a long period. This is not only not kind for that person, it is also a question of security.
I have a part time nanny who picks up children from kindergarten and school every day in the afternoon (about 3 hours a day) and I work full time. They can also pitch in when the kids are sick or have extra holidays. This is a lot of money. But it is so, it is how I can make everything work – like a company where everyone gets a role.
Anonymous
March 19, 2018 at 11:39 amI read the book, called “The Nanny” here in the U.S. Extremely frightening!
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:29 pmI do have that book but I can’t bring myself to read it yet. I think you make a great point about treating nannies with sympathy and understanding – I know that I want mine to be happy, she is caring for my own children after all!
Jess
March 19, 2018 at 8:55 amThank you for sharing this! I’ve been thinking about kids in the next few years, and reading about your experience is really helpful (and also terrifying). I’ve sort of been waiting to see if one of my parents will retire, so they can move here temporarily and help out. Hopefully they’d be up for that… otherwise, despite my employer’s relatively generous 6-week paid leave, help would definitely be needed.
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:30 pmOh don’t be terrified! It’s been 100% worth it (for me!). And yes get your parents if you can.
Anna
March 19, 2018 at 9:16 amMy male coworkers thought I was on vacation while on maternity leave. Oh god bless the innocent! I have one child now and grandparents (my mom and then in laws) were the full time care taker when I go back to work. Planning to have a nanny after the second and send the older one (likely under two still) to daycare. Daycare costs +2200 a month where I live. Nanny is about the same. Grandparents don’t come free either (just in case sime people will say what do you have to complain about grandparents when you have free childcare) . They fly business class here from Asia. And we compensate in many other ways. I won’t be able to handle even just one baby on my own. It is physically demanding. And the mental load is even worse. Society as a whole needs to be more educated on what it entails to take care of young children. And I do believe if we give young children a good start at the beginning, they really benefit.
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:31 pm100%!! And you sound like you take wonderful care of the grandparents.
Bunny
March 19, 2018 at 9:39 amKat as you know I love all your posts- but even on top of that, this may be the one I appreciate the most. Such an under the radar topic no one wants to admit to (the NYT did a story about how everyone hides their nannies!)
As for me, i would desperately love to have one. My mother comes to help sometimes but i genuinely need more help. Perhaps because of my personality, or anxiety, or whatnot, I’m having a difficult time coming to terms with actually choosing one and trusting someone else (perhaps bc i want things done “just so”). It would be lovely if you could address this in a separate post- both the logistics and emotion on hiring a nanny. Thank you again for your honesty!
Michelle
March 19, 2018 at 9:46 amI did not have a nanny but I did have my mother to help watch my baby while I was working. I had my daughter at 16 years old, was able to go to nursing school while holding down a full time job and pay for an apartment and car. I dropped off my daughter at my moms house every morning and picked her up every day after work/school.
I eventually graduated nursing school and started working the usual 3 / 12 hour shifts at the hospital. My daughter is now 23, almost 24 and I am able to travel the world (I’m 39). When she was younger all my money went towards paying for Catholic private school, she got a brand new car at 16, and much more and NOW I get to enjoy working, and traveling guilt free and buy myself WHATEVER I want without feeling guilt that the money should be going to my baby.
Without my mother she would’ve been at daycare 8 + hours a day, so I guess she was kinda like a nanny but she lived an hour away from home 🙂
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:31 pmI had the same anxiety (I can try to write about this in a future post). Just try and start with at least interviewing a few. Are you on Next Door? I found my first one there.
Jill
March 19, 2018 at 10:29 amGreat post. I did not have help, not from family (who did not live close by), nor did I hire a nanny. I decided to stay home. I had my two kids 4 ½ years apart however, which did help in terms of each of them getting a lot of one-on-one time with me. It was still tough at times. I would disregard any judgmental comments you get from anyone about having help, whether it’s in the form of a grandmother assisting you or a nanny you hired. Who cares what anyone thinks, you don’t need to justify having help! I am a little surprised someone brought up the Krim nanny here.
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:32 pmYou are a rock star!
kk
March 19, 2018 at 10:36 amI am a stayed at home mom and before my girls started full time school (both sets of grand parents are 8-13 hours of flight away from us), I had help for 5 hours a day m-f. So, for a couple of hours a day, I had some free time to do my own things such as going to the gym, grocery, shopping, etc.
Once they turned 3, they went to full time school, that’s when I stop the help except the cleaner. I think its a privilege to be a stayed at home mom, to be able to spend the time with your children and care for them better than anyone else would/could. I don’t plan on returning to work and don’t feel a need to, with all their activities and homework, term breaks, it will be nearly impossible for both of us working. Everyone is different and have different situation. You have to do what is the best for yourself and your family.
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:34 pmIt sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Michelle
March 19, 2018 at 10:46 amYou know my story so I won’t bore you with it again. What I will say is that you do what you have to do, for your sanity, for your family and to be honest, everyone else can keep their judgement to themselves whether they have kids or not. It is no one’s business but yours. Hang in there Kat!
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:35 pmEven with 10 nannies I will never be able to make dinners like yours!
DawnInSac
March 19, 2018 at 10:58 amHummm, this is very interesting subject. I suspect the questions about help are directly related to the circles one is connected to and stage in child rearing. As a working mom with four kids (2 sets of twins three years apart), I must say I was jealous of those who had help from family. I had none. I was jealous of those who had outside help, as I had none. It was too expensive when you factor in the twins aspect. When we were in private school it was a subject that was talked about frequently. Trophy wives and nannies, working moms and nannies and god forbid those who had no outside help…. When we moved to public school, the nanny word or outside help was not something that was top of mind. Did I judge, yeah…probably more than I would like to admit. Did I ever get asked if I had outside help? No, I was asked more often that not, how I did it with no help and a husband that traveled for a living. Honestly, in hindsight, I have no *%#@$* idea, how the *&% I survived those first five years until they were able to start school, they are a blurrrrrrrr in my mind. I juggled preschool, school, Kumon, music, sports, carpools, meals, and two part time jobs. …it made for one wild ride…You learn to juggle sharp objects, reorganize priorities, develop routines and schedules and always install dim wattage light bulbs so you do not notice how dirty your home really is… Now, that I have all four of my yahoos in high school… for the first time in a long time, I can take a deep breath. I used to feel jealous and judgmental towards those who chose to get help with their children because it did not feel like it was an available option for me. Now, with the passing of time, I can see it was my personal choice to be with my kids as much as I could be. The judgement towards others is gone and the judgement of myself as the half-ass mom who always had to let something drop is also gone. My yahoos are happy and my house is still not as clean as I would like it to be, but my heart is full of the great memories of our crazy and insane times we had together. The time we have with our kids is oh so short. Next year my oldest two will depart the nest. I fondly look back at our early time together with the phone on mute while on conference calls, working on reports in the Kumon waiting room, and glaring at them while I was talking with a client on the phone….and best of all they do to. In the end if if makes mom happy, it will make the kids happy—be it the nanny route or not.
Written while working out of the country, having left my husband at home with four teenagers for the week…. ahhhh how things have changed in my house… some people would say having to travel 12 weeks a year for work is terrible….whereas I see it as 12 weeks of paid vacation that are carpool, homework and stress free 🙂 …..
irina
March 19, 2018 at 12:04 pmHello – I had to say : I have a lot of respect for any mother but you’re in your own league. Wow.
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:36 pmYou are amazing and thank you so much for sharing your entire experience. You and your children are all so lucky.
J.
March 22, 2018 at 9:28 amWow. Thank you for this post and for our perspective.
Amy
March 19, 2018 at 11:11 amI have 3 kids who are all teenagers now. My mom was a stay-at-home mom of 4. I had ALOT of help from her and my dad as my first two were 15 months apart and I battled severe postpartum depression. When I had my second (and my 3rd) I had a teenage girl who I paid to be my “helper” during the afternoon. It made a huge difference.
I thought that mothering would come naturally to me. I found myself swamped by emotion and hormonal imbalances. I have not worked since the time that kid #1 was born (he is now 18!), though I am very active in volunteer activities in my community.
Kat, I really admire what you are doing. I have gleaned over the years that you are very independent and enjoyed working….and that being home with little ones has been very challenging for you. I am using my Master’s degree as a counselor now, but am unpaid (I’m at a non-profit). I have needed this to stay sane. But I will tell you that I look back and don’t wish for one minute that I had been away working during the time when my kids were little — or during their teen years, which bring their own challenges!
No one should look down on anyone for getting help. This mothering thing is intense, and it’s a lot of work! However, it does and will get easier. There will be a time where you can hop in the car and leave the kids at home. 🙂
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:37 pmThank you so much..and you are right, the mothering thing is intense at this age. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Anonymous
March 19, 2018 at 12:05 pmMy husband and I both work full time in demanding fields and currently have very little help. (We had lots and lots of help in the form of grandparents/nannies/nighttime doulas when the kids were infants). Our young kids attend different forms of school/daycares. We purposely chose care providers that are open almost all year long. The care providers are a mix of great to so-so, but we had to pick our priorities and balance survival versus what is the “best”. For summer camp, I admit to enrolling my daughter in the same camp the entire duration of summer break! That might not work so well as she gets older.
My husband handles the morning drop offs and I handle the afternoon pick ups. I tried hiring nannies, but it was quite a financial burden compared to daycare for us, and I also realized the nannies could not be in a position to give my children the values I wanted them to have. I was surprised by how many life-related questions or comments my daughter has. She may not pose them every day, but I am glad to be the person to respond when she does. This arrangement is exhausting for my husband and me, but it is what we currently try to make work. I am very apprehensive of the older school years, when I hear my friends describe hiring academic tutors and the full schedule of sports and other after school and weekend activities. I simply cannot image it as I feel as though I am at my absolute capacity today. It seems like hiring drivers/babysitters may be a necessity at that stage.
I am certain that if I was a stay at home mom, I would have needed a nanny to help me through the years until they went to preschool. Young kids are a huge handful–I can’t count how many times my son has come running back to me while I was occupied with making dinner with a bruised forehead, bloody teeth, etc. I have them for perhaps 3 hours a day before they go to their bedrooms for the night and it is a circus. I think you are so smart to have your arrangement of one person per child, and to look after your short-term sanity and long-term well being.
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:38 pmI love that your daughter asks you life-related questions, I’m sure those are adorable! Yes I hear about those older school years and am slightly frightened as well. Thank you so much!
Linda
March 19, 2018 at 2:03 pmTaking care of children is a tough job, period. I think if you can have a nanny, whether you work or stay home is a very good thing. My daughter is a teenager now but I am so grateful for when I had help (both nanny and grandparents) just to get a break or get other things done. And yes, even beyond toddler years, having someone else do pick up/drop off, tutoring, etc, is hugely important and helpful. I think as kids get older– it’s still labor intensive, though in a different way!
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:39 pmI hear the same about the labor “changing”. Thank you very much for sharing!
Emily
March 19, 2018 at 2:34 pmI’ve had bad experiences with nannies so my toddler is in daycare and my 3 month old will be as well later this year. It’s hard for me to trust someone alone in my house with my kids, on top of needing personalities to gel and everything else. Plus it’s just so expensive and I’d rather my son get socialized with other kids at daycare, germs and all. But I have recently hired a helper to help with dishes and cleanup after dinner so that I can focus my time on my kids instead of being grumpy while cleaning. I’ve learned to outsource the tasks that I mind (cleaning!) so that I can free up my time for the things I don’t mind (well…sometimes I mind being around my needy children haha).
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:39 pmThat sounds like a perfect way to use a helper!!
Nina
March 19, 2018 at 3:12 pmNo judgement here! I appreciate my nanny so much, and I can’t imagine what would happen to my sanity if I was a SAHM without any help. If you can afford it, then do use all the help you can get, paid or not. I work 7 hours a day and nanny works 8. Even though I don’t use her for too much help before and after work, I do appreciate her for keeping the house clean and doing simple chores such as folding the laundry. To me, one-on-one nanny is so much better than nanny share or daycare. My son will be turning 3 in August, and there’s only been a handful of times when my son got sick or had minor accidents. Baby #2 is coming in a couple months and we’ve decided to continue hiring our current nanny while sending our toddler to preschool when he turns 3 in the fall. We’ll see how that arrangement works but we’ll most likely be using our nanny for pick-ups for our older son as well as taking care of the new baby after my maternity leave. Thanks for sharing, I love all your posts, but these ones are especially dear to me.
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:40 pmCongratulations on #2!! That’s how we will probably be using our nanny and I hope it works out. I hear from people that it’s a good system.
Anonymous
March 19, 2018 at 6:55 pmI stay at home most of the time, and I still have a full time nanny. Well, it is common in NYC that you don’t work and you have full time help so that you do nothing but chill. I walked away when I hear chaos and I rather go to the gym than dropping off my boy at school.
Don’t shame yourself by any chance. I was thinking about the same thing too, hiring someone is expensive, especially someone who speak well and try to love your kids. But totally spend the money and be guilt free. Time with your kids will be even more well-spent after your nanny calls it a day and you feel like you are so charged and ready for your kids again. I just love how I feel like I am their world when my nanny transports my kids into my arms. Well I do a lot of stuff for them but anything more is going to come out from your plate and eventually even the most intense mom would be juiced out.
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:40 pmThank you so much for being so HONEST. I love the term “juiced out”. And I hear the same about NYC, ha!
Jane
March 19, 2018 at 7:09 pmTo answer your question: yes, I have help and lots of it – daytime nanny during the week, my mom on nights, father-in-law comes several mornings a week (before the nanny’s shift starts), mother-in-law putting in some nights and weekends, and a husband who has a flexible work schedule. All those people looking after a one-year old. I work full time. I am self conscious about people judging me as less of a mom because I have so much help. I know they think I don’t ever have to lift a finger. But even with all the help, I still feed her, change her, bathe her, rock her to sleep, sing and read to her. Granted I do it with a lot less stress. The beautiful part of having a village of help is that none of us ever gets too fatigued. The grandparents look forward to their few hours of fun with her knowing they can leave the heavy lifting to the nanny. Even the nanny isn’t under constant pressure since my husband is there to lend a hand when needed.
I am actually more concerned about people judging my daughter thinking she must be spoiled because she gets so much attention from so many caregivers. But what am I supposed to do about that? Ask our family to stay away? We do not spoil her with material things. In fact, all her clothes fit into one drawer and I return most toys people gift to her. But if she is spoiled because all she has ever known in her young life is loving care from her family, then so be it.
Katherine
March 19, 2018 at 9:41 pmYour situation sounds wonderful and honestly (even though it sounds cheesy, I mean it 100%) you really can’t spoil with too much love. It sounds like you and your family are doing a wonderful job.
Lilian
March 19, 2018 at 10:04 pm1. It takes a village! I was raised in a country where help was the norm, and quite frankly, fairly inexpensive. Nothing to see 🙂
2. Do you, boo. Your kids. Your house. Your decisions re. how to raise them.
3. Malcolm X put it thus: “By ANY means necessary.” When we had our first kid, I told my husband we’d do whatever it took to make sure everyone got at least 4 straight hours of sleep for the first month and a half (OH HAI MESSED UP CIRCADIAN RHYTHM). And we’d do ANYTHING thereafter that’d help us stay sane.
I had a wonderful lady that would come in for about 5 hours or so every other day. My friend’s MIL, and I shall forever be grateful to her, because I was able to run errands, sleep, and do a crap-ton of things. I worked part-time from home, so that came in handy 🙂 Then with baby #2, we’d already enrolled my oldest for school, so we kept that schedule going for him (there’s a 3-year gap between my kiddos so it worked out PERFECTLY). I went back to work full-time when my youngest turned one.
So, basically, we had [some sort of] help. Was it as much help as my parents had when I was a child? NOPE. Did I feel exhausted all the time? HELLS BELLS YES. But I’m glad we did it this way, because I KNOW my kiddos. Really KNOW them. I literally diagnose asthma attacks and allergy flares just by LOOKING at my kids (and sometimes by listening, so if the school calls and says #1 is sick, I simply say put him on the phone, and I can tell by his voice. My kids are 9 and 7 now, and it gets oh, so much easier, and better! I wouldn’t do anything differently if I had the choice to live my last 12 years or so.
Your situation works perfectly for your household, and that’s all that matters 🙂
honhon
March 20, 2018 at 4:08 amIf you could afford paid help, go for it! I know you will receive particular judgments but your sanity and health is much more important to worry about.
I have 3 children ( now all grown up ) and I started to have a live-in help only after my 3rd was born. Until then I had a part-time cleaner who came in few hours every other day but no childcare. My first 2 children were back to back and I remember feeling extremely lonely and left behind from society, friends, families, work environment. I was an at-home mother all alone with 2 babies – everyday. I was slightly depressed from solitude and repeating the same thing over and over again everyday. I missed out on a lot of joy and those special moments too, because I was too caught up seeking for their growth and independence. Then when they started to attend nursery from 3.5 years old, whoops I forgot all about those lonely days and we decided to get pregnant again. Ouch!!! By a magical and great timing I got an opportunity to start my own business and decided to have a full time live-in helper when my 3rd child was 1 year old, older ones were 4 and 5.
Yes, my physical “motherly” and “wifey” (meaning house chores and cooking) workload decreased by a lot. However this new system gave me more space in my heart and mind and soul to embrace my new lifestyle.
Today I can’t wait to see my grandchildren ( none of my children are married nor expecting any babies yet!) and care for them, I miss those days when I was nurturing babies. I am super fortunate to be feeling this way and I believe it is partially because of those days back then when I wasn’t too stressed raising my 3 children.
So back to you. Again, I fully support your decision and please enjoy your children. If you start to look beyond the moment, wishing your children to be growing up faster, take a step back and chill. Believe me they do grow up so fast. This is for real.
PL
March 20, 2018 at 6:48 pmThank you for bringing up this topic. I always admire family who has more than 1 kid. I have one and I am already overwhelmed! I can’t imagine I have two and both are so close together in age. Get the help you need, because you NEED it! I was lucky to have my mom come over in the first 3 months but after that I’m on my own until baby turns 1 (that’s the end of the mat leave). Then I go back to full time job and baby is in day care. Then she starts half day preschool and I have to cut back my work hour, and continue to work less and it’s so tiring to pickup/dropoff, and drive to different after school activities, yet still need to prepare dinner/cleaning etc. Way too exhausted and finally become a full time mom when my girl is 6. I found that being a full time mom is even more exhausted (sometimes) than having a job! It may be hard for others to understand but it’s certainly not easy! I wish I am able to get more help but we would like to spend $ on my child instead. If you can get the help, I would say definitely go for it!
CD
March 20, 2018 at 6:53 pmHi Katherine, great post! Can I ask where you found your nanny and cleaning help? I also live in the Bay Area and it hasn’t been easy finding a good nanny.
I used to think taking care of baby is easy, until I had my first child late last year. We stayed at parents’ home post birth for additional help for several months and it was the best decision ever!
Nvie
March 21, 2018 at 1:51 amMy 8 year old declared that our live-in Filipino helper is the most hardworking person in the house. Again, it’s common for families who can afford it to have live-in helpers in Asia. They are not cheap compared to 20 years ago. Else it’s the Daycare option.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of having or engaging help. It just makes me super sane and grateful that I have a reliable helper whom my boys adore and treat her like a mom. I am lucky that she’s in her 9th year with us, without her, I am certain I would have gone nuts.
I like the balance of working full time and now that boys are older, both turning 9 and 4 years old in a couple of months time, I’m able to spend quality time with them, since I don’t have much time at home.
You are doing a great job, not everyone can manage a helper/nanny even if they afford it. So having prior work experience in this case helps a LOT!
Things will be easier when your eldest starts schooling. Boys pediatrician always insists that they go to school after 5 years old but we sent them when they are 3. You have to be prepared for them falling sick very frequently.
Like many say, you decide what’s best for you family. ?
bisbee
March 22, 2018 at 6:48 amJust chiming in. I went back to work when my older son was 8 months, then back part-time when my second son was 5 months. My older one was in a private home for day care until he was 2…then he went to a center. When I was home with my second,the older one continued in day care. I worked 3 days a week until the younger one was in 1st grade.
Many years passed, and my older son married and had children. I have always been available in an emergency, and have been happy to babysit and/or stay with my grandchildren when their parents go on well-deserved vacations. The kids are now 12 and 9. I never have been open to caring for them on a regular basis…I already raised children and I don’t want to start again! I recently retired, but that didn’t change anything, except that I am available more. I love my grandchildren, and I live close and wouldn’t ever move away, but I don’t want to raise them!
J.
March 22, 2018 at 9:38 amI’ve had all different help and the hardest part is getting over the unnecessary guilt. When I became a mother, I found that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I encountered had an opinion about my mothering and my choices. It was exhausting. I first worked part time and then was home for five years. Now back at work part time again. I had help all along the way. I had some bad experiences with nannies and babysitters, so my children were always in day care or after-school programs. And I will tell you that I had the most help when I was a stay at home mom — both day care and a housekeeper a few times a week. Plus, my mother helps me almost every day. My husband works all the time and I need a break sometimes too.
I still feel conflicted about working, even though I’m always with my children. So, I don’t know if there is ever a “right” answer except that if it works for you and if your children are healthy and happy, it’s “right.”
Kat, the baby years are the hardest — and the mom judgment is the harshest. You’re doing an amazing job and it does get a little easier. And if someone asked me, I would do it all over again because the time really does fly! xoxo
Wei
March 22, 2018 at 7:46 pmBeing a stay at home mom is probably the hardest job ever. You work 10+ hour days, don’t sleep and it still seems like what you do is never enough. I stay at home with #2 while #1 is at school. The weekends are horrible bc having 2 at home without help is exhausting. Before kids, I always thought it would be so easy to have help. But after interviewing a whole bunch, having one quit on me a week before I gave birth and firing a new one after one week, I just decided that I did not want a stranger in my home, touching my children. It must be my OCD or Chinese cheapness…but paying someone $25/hr to watch my kid makes me cringe. I just keep telling myself….it’s all temporary, it’s all temporary. But there are days that I wished I had some help.
Elyse
April 4, 2018 at 10:28 amThis will be my husband in about 1 month! The only difference is he’s self employed and can schedule his work hours. My husband stayed at home with #1 for 2 years and will do so with #2. I’m considering help just because it’s hard to take care of daily house task. I’m an accountant and would rather save the money but peace of mind is a beautiful thing.