On Work/Life Balance

Leslie

Katherine: I am single and I live alone and no way can I sit on the sofa and watch an hour-long TV show without feeling guilty about what I am NOT doing. I watch most TV in the kitchen while cooking or cleaning the kitchen. If I want to watch TV in the living room, I bring in a project. Just saying, some of us are wired that way, no matter our living situation. Only in bed sleeping am I ever truly single-threaded. And yes, I am very blessed and I know it…and I still complain. You are very human and very normal.

Yumi

Hi Katherine,

Thank you so much for sharing this post. Knowing how driven you are and how committed to your career you were, I was morbidly curious how staying at home with your kids has treated you – especially as I venture into the questions of kids or not. In looking at your thoughts and gathering information from people around me, I’m recognizing that there is a theme that runs common to everyone: that as women, regardless of the choices we make, we will be openly judged for our personal lives and we just need to be okay with it. I think the truth is that there is no perfect situation for any of us and that all the options we have right now kind of suck if you want more than one thing. The hope for me is that we can someday have better options so family and career can both be options.

Anonymous

Life with young kids…The days are (soooo) long but the years are short, indeed. They grow up in a blink of an eye. Enjoy it while you can. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I-Ping

Hi Kat I have two boys who were also close together. Fortunately I live in Asia and have the advantage of a live in helper and could hence go back to work. Nevertheless I can’t pretend it was easy going back to work with young children and that part of my life is a bit of a blur. I feel my career definitely took a back seat during those years… I mean, I was still doing ok, but I could have achieved more and done more then. It’s definitely easier now that they’re older so hang in there!

Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life

A bit tangential but I suspect we’d always feel some kind of “being judged / this is judge-worthy” guilt for the choices we make because when we make a choice, we are choosing something and not choosing other options. A friend, in talking about her perspective on midlife crises, posited that part of getting older is living with the results of those decisions and feeling your road get narrower. I get a little of the same feeling as JB gets older – do we have a second? Do we wait? Is it too late?
And of course this links back to work. I’ve been full time since four months after birth. That’s been good for keeping my career moving forward steadily albeit much more slowly than my usual work pace. I haven’t made great strides like I’m accustomed to and dwelling on that fact makes me unhappy. And yet if we had a second, I’d like that gap to be longer. I’d like to have more time to just worry about the newborn and myself and not about deadlines but we also have to pay for childcare. So that raises the question of whether we can afford for me to be off (probably unpaid) for a longer period and still pursue our financial goals and also raises the question of whether my job would accommodate it. Maybe. And maybe I could go back very parttime and juggle it the same way I did while I had JB home full time and worked full time: work during naps and into the night. But that’s quite hard on the body – fielding the night cries *and* the night deadlines. I suspect I’d feel unhappy with that compromise in the moment as well, even if it was temporary and even though I’d be grateful if it was working.
The one thing I do know for sure now is, as a reformed workaholic, I don’t want to be that anymore. Work is still important in that it pays the bills and keeps me intellectually engaged but I’m working on finding other ways to achieve that in the event that we reach financial independence.

Anonymous

I’m pumping at work while reading this. I have a 8 month at home with her grandma(paternal), who loves her as much as resents/hates me. I have visited day care and interviewed nannies but worry took hold of me wherever I thought I was going to leave her to them. I love children and want to have more but not sure if I can go through this again. It sucks as a woman at this point. I had the best time of my life though when I was on maternity leave and my mom was staying with us – surrounded by so much love!

Jane

I don’t like the term work/life balance. According to the dictionary, balance is defined as an even distribution of weight – as in maintaining a state of equilibrium. On a scale, the only way to keep a true balance is with perfect stillness. But our lives are in constant motion. That’s why it feels like we are always struggling to keep “balance”. Perhaps life is more like a pendulum that is meant to swing freely and will automatically restore itself to center. Beyond semantics, my own experience include returning to work two months postpartum because I wanted to and because I had to. I became a partner at my firm when I was still single. Then life took a sudden turn when I married my husband and we had our first (and only) child a year ago. I did worry about a career set back if I stayed away from my field for too long. But ultimately, I enjoy my work and am happy to continue on my professional path. Although I could not afford to quit, I am fortunate to be able to afford a day-time nanny while I am at work. I have my mom and in-laws helping on some nights and weekends. My husband’s job also has very flexible hours so he is certainly hands-on. I believe in the saying “it takes a village” – not just for the child, but also for the much needed support for parents too. Within our village, no one person ever feels fatigued because we all take turns caring for my daughter. I have been lucky to escape the mommy guilt. Knowing my daughter is in competent hands when I’m not with her allows me the freedom and focus to pursue other things. But when I am present with her, I treasure the time we spend just giggling, running around, and playing. For me, feeding her and rocking her to sleep is not a chore because I don’t feel alone or overwhelmed doing it. Knowing how fortunate I am to have so much help, I swear I would never judge another parent who has to do it all himself/herself.

Mercy

Looking after for 1 baby is really hard how much more for 2 at one time. That’s why having a nanny is such a blessing as I have tried taking care of 2 small children years ago. And now I’m back with my 3rd child who’s still a toddler although I’m also working full time. On the weekends or school holidays when 3 of them are at home I feel good being able to look after their needs but when everything gets chaotic and noisy I say to myself I should have gone to work. Thinking that way makes me feel guilty but that’s just life getting at me. Don’t feel guilty of anything as you’re doing your best and I tell you what you feel now will get better in time.

http://www.busyandfab.com

chai

Hi Katherine! I can totally relate to your post. Previously, I was working full-time with a baby (who is now 2 years old) I didn’t even take a maternity leave and went back less than two weeks to work after a c-section. I was confident that I could do it all and had the work/life balance figured out. But obviously, I was wrong. For awhile, I struggled and fought the idea of stopping work to stay with my son. I didn’t want to be just that kind of mother – the one that stayed home and had no career to speak of. I didn’t realize that the stress of working full-time and being a mother was taking a toll on me. I didn’t realize I was depressed and miserable until I broke down. That forced me to stopped working (coz seriously, with my state, I was neither a good employee or mother). I realized later that I’d rather be a good and heathy mother to my son. What helped with the transition, is that I changed my perspective about being a SAHM. I started looking at it as a career and a new job with a demanding boss – my son- to impress. And instead of getting paid with money, I was getting paid with the chance to see my son grow and spend quality time with him (cliche but true!) And when you think about it, the responsibilities that you have and skills you need as a SAHM is similar to that of manager (or at best a CEO). It seems that society has brainwashed us (especially our generation) to undermine being a SAHM (hence the resentment and harboring the feeling of wasting our life away if we take this route) And seriously, I’d rather have my son as my boss than work someone else now.

Emma

I love how honest you are with having a nanny. Babies are tough to deal with, even if you are a full-time stay-at-home mom, it’s better to have someone with you to look after them especially when they are so small. I mean one person can’t look after the baby 24/7! I hate how celebrities or bloggers go on and on about how difficult it is to multitask as a mom. How there are some many things to do, get groceries, take care of the baby, do household chores, etc and then make it sound as if they are superhuman, somehow managing all that on their own with a full-time job!

Bee

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I echo many others in agreeing that what makes your blog a must read for me above all others is how honest you are – whether it’s re: shoes, travel, food, or a more serious topic such as work/family/balance, etc. As a mom who has been incredibly lucky to take a year off work, I feel like I really can’t complain to anyone that I have mixed feelings about going back to work in 7 weeks and sending my son to daycare. However, I take solace in knowing that among all my mom friends a universal truth is that EVERY one of them questions whether they made the “right” decision – whether they went back to work quickly, are working part-time/from home, quit their jobs, etc. – we all doubt ourselves, which to me means there is no “right” decision, we all just try our best to find balance. Whatever that means!!!